So many thing have suddenly changed for me this year. I found myself fleeing a relationship that was ending for a long time, and setting up a camp in a new town. Everything that I depended on, everything that supported me in the past 6 years, being a home, hope or a castle on a sand, finally came crashing down. I felt like I had no string to hold on to anymore and my dreams of far away places no longer sustained me.
I usually don’t like to put labels on things, but codependency was no longer an option for me. I could say I have suddenly outgrown it like an old dress that you keep trying on, and suddenly the seams come apart and it falls to the ground next to you feet. You look down, and there it is, you pick up the pieces and think, maybe I mend something out of it, maybe a friendship?
I was also secretly nursing an old heartbrake, maybe for a hope of some tangible love I sometimes new, but that hope was riding on such a thin line, so thin, that a butter knife could cut through it, and so being the drama queen I sometimes can show up to be, I put an axe to it.
And so suddenly, all the drama left my life. I had to ask myself, did I actually need it fuel me, to feed my art experience in this life? I remember relying on the pain for so much art inspiration, I could no longer ignore it. Would this new found quiet be the demise of my artistic journey? But a solitude and quiet can be so much inspiration for just being, knowing and living in this place, which is truly beautiful and calming to my soul. There are so many other challenges in life I can embrace instead of just filling myself up with drama. I know as a gemini being still and quiet without hearing voices propelling me to do something truly out of this world substantial is very hard for me, but, hmm, maybe I am ready for the challenge.